My gosh, this shit sucks. (I say this a lot)
I wish there was a button that us anxious people could press to take it away; sometimes for just even a few minutes.
For the past couple of weeks, I have been super anxious. About what? Who knows. I get triggered by the wind. haha. I have been slammed with work and have not slept very well and that just makes my anxiety go nuts. When I don’t sleep well, I start to not eat well because I am so tired and my phobia just creeps up in my mind. My mind has a million thoughts, “am I going to get sick?” It is so irrational and ridiculous but I just can’t help it.
I noticed I have a new nervous outlet or tick that I do, I guess that’s the right word. The other day I was driving and I noticed I had little bruises on my nails and of course, I started freaking out and when I parked I Googled it and of course the first thing that comes up is a heart condition. I had to calm myself down because the picture had a deep purple straight line going down through the whole nail and I did not have that.
So, as I was clicking away and thinking I was on death’s door, I noticed that I am squishing down my nails really hard with my thumb and it’s causing them to bruise. What the hell?!?! I didn’t even notice I was doing that.
I used to cut myself to relieve my anxiety. I haven’t done that in years but I have found other self-harming ways and it’s terrible. (This is big of me to say, so no judgment). I didn’t even notice I was doing that, I told my wife so she watches for it and tells me to stop. She knows all my ticks that I have. I just have to be mindful of them now and get out of that headspace, but it’s hard when anxiety comes out of nowhere or if I don’t even know it’s there and I start doing it. Fucking anxiety.