I am not even sure where to begin with this blog, I bet my wife could tell you much better how this situation took place. I am saying that because when this took place I was really in a dark place with my anxiety, anything could set me off and this time it was a freaking tomato. It is kind of funny now but, funny in an embarrassing way. My wife recently told our good friends this story and they laughed but I died on the inside. I know I can not go back to this lady and redo it, but my gosh, it was rough.
Well, I was working at a small retail store and like usual…I was not eating like I should be and was starving, at this point my anxiety was sky high and so was my mood. Not eating like a normal person, three times a day, some snacks, or eating when your stomach growls, really messed with my head. I know I need to eat, but thanks to my phobia, I was scared of food. I would go through this a lot back then.
I was dizzy and thinking I was on the verge of either having a heart attack, a brain aneurysm, or just falling dead on the floor. Thinking that way and having those thoughts made my anxiety a million times worse. Could people see that I was not feeling good? If I fell out, would people help me? My heart is racing, my blood sugar is non-existent, I was dizzy, my whole body was weak.
My wife and I were new in our relationship and we both did not really cook, well…lets face it, I could not trust her cooking back then.
What if she made me sick?
What if she was trying to kill me?
Would I get food poisoning?
I would have racing thoughts and freak out, I remember the first meal she made for me, Fettuccine Alfredo and Grilled Chicken and while she was cooking it, I would hover over her and watch her every move. Looking back, I bet she as was like, “what the hell is wrong with her?” but I told her and she caught on quick. I was very opinionated when it came to food, well everything in general, I think that’s the Puerto Rican coming out of me.
Okay, I am starting to get off subject…
Back then my irrational brain thought I was right, so we would eat out a lot, which duh…was not good for me either, but we did not have a choice. Well, we went to Burger King and this is where things got fuzzy. We went inside and I ordered a Whopper meal and told the lady no tomatoes, no onion, add cheese. When I got my sandwich, it had tomatoes. I got up and my wife walked up there with me and I started yelling at the lady behind the counter saying I did not order tomatoes. And the worst part is that I threw my burger at the lady.
Just writing this and talking to my wife about it, MORTIFIES ME!! I have asked her how she felt and she said she was so mortified and wondered why I couldn’t just take the tomatoes off. But NO! I have no idea what I was thinking, I was just so hungry and wanted my food right.
I cringe just thinking I could behave that way, but it happened and I am so embarrassed. There have been so many times I have made a fool of myself, my wife, and innocent people. I went so many years with being scared of food, I wouldn’t eat for days and if I did, I would snack on my “safe” foods. I would eat toast, saltine crackers, PB&J and granola bas. Nothing healthy obviously, so I was always feeling crappy. I remember years ago when I would get ready for bed, my stomach would growl because I had eaten little to nothing all day. I kept packets of saltines on my bedside and I would eat those slowly and watch TV until I fell asleep.
I still have days where I feel crappy and I have to remind myself that I need eat and I won’t feel crappy. And yes, my wife cooks a lot and it’s delicious!! I cook sometimes but I am more of a dessert person! haha. It has been a struggle but I push on everyday, because I want to be healthy. And FYI, I have nothing against tomatoes.
Keep Moving Forward
Much Love – WBC